2/11/86  His love – agape – unconditional love, is what He expressed for us from the beginning until the end, a love so different from worldly love.  He endured more that we could ever imagine, for us.  His reasoning’s and understanding are far above our comprehension.  Maybe it’s something we haven’t realized yet, or He hasn’t revealed to us yet, or He just  obeyed because the Father told Him to.  Father knows best, sometimes you don’t ask why.  But the reasoning is so great that He even was willing to love the ones who persecuted Him.  He has been to hell and back, and knows and showed us that love will conquer all – agape love.

2-17-86  Lord, I’m always trying to figure everything out.  I now know the truth, that I’m set free, from sin and all evil, I am forgiven, I now have a new reason for living.  You revealed to me what I have been waiting for all my life.  I should be happy.  Am I impatient?  Have I let go of my past completely Lord?  How do you want me to deal with it?  Do you want me to understand it or just forget it?  Whatever is blocking me from receiving Your fullest blessings for me Lord, please let me know, and show me how to deal with it, in Jesus’ name, according to Your rich mercies.  I just want to be honest with You Lord, to be myself, to worship You wholeheartedly.  Why should I pretend or fake it?  Yet, the only way I know to worship You is by others, watching them.  Yet, how honest are they with you Father, do they feel the same way?  Please show me how Jesus did it, Lord.  Thank you for guiding me and transforming me into His beautiful image.  Thank you, Lord.  I should learn from Jesus, and keep my eyes on Jesus. 

So now, by faith and humbleness, I have better access to His presence.  It’s hard to notice Him through a stormy mind, although He is always there no matter what, I see Him best when all is calm, through faith.  So Father, help me please to be more faithful to You, to have faith in You Lord, so I can be Your true servant.  And thank you for helping me to trust You Lord, I love You Lord, I don’t want to spend all this time figuring out and waiting on myself Lord, I do not know how long it will take for me to understand You and Your ways and Your love, so thank you for giving me the concern and compassion to think of others, Lord, and to see me as You see me, not the world, and helping me accept the way it is and for giving me Your wisdom and understanding.

’86   Lord, I know I have to talk to You and be totally honest with You and totally open with You.  You are the only one who can help me.  I knew that from the beginning yet I tend to avoid You for direct help.  There is no other book or words one can say that can heal me, they can only cause me to see my need for You.  I love You.  Why am I so afraid to face You with my problems and fears, knowing that You have what I need, You are love, why can’t I accept Your love?  Have I been exposed to that much rejection?  We really need You Jesus, we need Your love.  Please let Your love shine down on us and help us to receive it.  Help us take authority over all negativism and rejection; what good is anything, even knowing You Lord, if we can’t receive and accept Your precious love?  How can we live without it?  Please help me Lord, show me the way to repentance, what is causing me to stumble and help me to acknowledge it and please give me strength to hand it all over to You, for the battle is Yours Lord, not mine.  It’s Your problem, not mine, how else will I know love?  In the name of Jesus, I plead.  I cannot go any further until I get right by You Lord, You are first in my life.  I’m still scared.  What am I waiting for?  Help me please Lord!

’86   You  were separated from Your Father for the first time, temporarily.  It was Your will.  At that time all the sins of the world fell upon You, Your sinless soul, crushing You.  You were willing to be separated like that from Your Father for us.

Your walk here on earth in the form of man, You were the “living” Word and an expression and revelation of the Father.  You had the strength and the power and confidence to do all that you did (miracles, healing…) because You were in constant union with the Father.

How did You ever manage to adjust to this earth Lord? Is that what you were learning and adjusting to as a child?  What did you do as a child?  Was it until you were baptized that You received the power of God? 

So You were walking among us in God’s strength, among people of sin, total opposite of where You came from.  But You had the power to endure it because You were in union with the Father…until those three hours when You, sinless, really became like us, took upon Yourself painfully the sin we are living and dealing with, and it was so grievous and painful for You, yet since we have never tasted Your kingdom yet, how could we understand Your pain?  To us this sinful nature seems like nothing, in fact, we don’t even realize it is sin, it just seems like the way of life – take it or leave it, what a tough world.

But soon enough we shall realize our need of a Savior, a way out of this mess, and then, receiving You, we shall see the kingdom, and then understand how horrible sin really is.

Until we received You, we experienced the Father’s face turned from us – all of our lives until accepting You. 

You only experienced it for 3 hours, and You dreaded it, it was the ultimate pain for You.  You knew how horrible it was, being that You came from all good and holiness always.

So why am I being so stubborn about surrendering this sinful nature of mine Lord?  Why would I turn my back on Your Love?  Why?  Why can’t I accept Your love?  It’s what I always wanted, what I always dreamed about, and now it is a reality if I would only accept it.  What is blocking me Lord?  I can’t live without Your love.  I need Your love and guidance.  Please help me Lord, In Jesus’ name.

8-6-86  It is tough  here on this earth, the Enemy is always trying to confuse me and break me down.  I must always be looking to the Lord, not giving the Enemy a chance to slip in; to always seek to the Lord and lean on Him, yes, to become fully dependent on Him.  That’s the whole idea, and we should be grateful.  The choice is ours; we rejected Him and got ourselves into this mess.  Because He still loves us, He provided a way out. He is the truth, reality, and to abide in Him is our only means of peaceful and joyful living, although it means suffering.  If we choose not to abide in Him, we would just be fooling ourselves, living in a lie, feeling empty. So I want to really understand and believe in depth the meaning and reality of the spiritual world, so that I may accept it.  So where do I fit in Lord?  How are You going to use me?  Please give me direction and deliver me from confusion.  I need a job, something that will feed my heart, and I need the willingness to believe I can do it through You.  You are my strength, and You can fill me with love and compassion that I need to have the desire to live every day.  Thank you.

10-86 Isaiah 26:12  “You have established peace for us; all that we have accomplished You have done for us.”

Start trusting in Jesus and live in confidence.  If I put my trust in me, I will be living in fear because I know how weak my flesh is, my flesh failed me when I tried to live up to the expectations of the world, and my flesh will fail me if I try to live up to the expectations of God. 

My strength is by the Spirit, not by power or might.  So it does not depend on my physical ability or by the power of an army.  The reality of it is that this is a spiritual war, not of flesh and blood, which Jesus has already won, and if we would trust¹ in Him, we can be His witnesses to the blind, by allowing Him to live through me.  So the only way for me to live, now that I am living in the spiritual world, is by the Spirit, His Spirit, which is in me.  There is nothing my flesh can do.  He will do His work, and do it through my vessel, my body, through me.  It’s all a matter of faith.

Watching things invisible happen before our eyes can be scary; especially when you’re not sure it’s from God.  How has God built up our confidence by slowly revealing the manifestation of the Spirit without scaring us?  First we must know His loving nature.

1. He explained to us who He is and why He came in the four Gospels.  He demonstrated His lovingkindness and forgiveness and authority.  Have I understood these Gospels?  Have I learned to trust in Him?

10-5-86  Lord, You are my only hope, You are my savior, and you are the author of love, You are full of mercy and loving kindness, Your ways are the truth that lead to life.  I am such a stranger to You Lord, and Your word is so overwhelming to me, I get discouraged. Why am I so depressed if You are on my side, if You are for me? Why does the enemy have such a hold on me? You have defeated him.

Why do I run from You? Why don’t I treat You like my soul desires and longs to do?  I know You are the only way to live, what is preventing me from following?  Where is order, harmony and peace?  Why don’t I feel worthy of Your love?  Have mercy Lord, help me to understand, to let go of my past and be healed by You, in Jesus’ name. 

Let me trust in You whole heartedly.  May we be revived, may Your face shine upon us, so that others may know and believe that You are our God who watches over us and take care of us.  Help us to do Your will, turn us from evil and self-centeredness, and let us walk in Your Spirit, the land of the living.  May Your mighty power prevail.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

10-22-86  My problem isn’t – not being able to communicate to God the invisible, as if that fact can shake my faith.

He created us, and made it possible for us to relate to Him, we know without a doubt He exists.  Visibility is not the problem of me being able to relate to Him.

I simply can’t face Him because of my shame, (avoiding the cross) of my responsibility that the world is as stained as it is.  The damage is so bad, I am afraid to admit I am a sinner, (In the following sentences I am identifying with Adam and Eve as the original sinners:) I chose to separate myself from God which resulted in the way this evil world is.  I find it very hard to face the fact that I chose independence from God after learning of His great love for us anyway.  How could I turn away from such a loving God?  Is it true that we really didn’t know what we were getting into? That we were deceived?  Do we learn what is right through our wrongs?

I am having trouble accepting that You still love us Lord.  But your thoughts are higher than ours, Your love is so new to me, there is no one on earth whose love is as great as Yours, unconditional love really hurts.  How do I accept Your love without feeling so shameful and guilty?  Your love changes people Lord.

Maybe Your love is something to believe, no matter how we “feel.”  Our feelings can weight us down.  If this is true, then Lord please deliver me from false feelings and fill me with Your strength to believe in Your love and the wisdom to understand Your love as it really is, in Jesus’ name, for Your name sake.

Have I decided that I am going to be depressed for the rest of my life because of what we did against You?  Am I being prideful, being greater than You by not accepting Your forgiveness?  Knowing but not really understanding that You still love us anyway?  I find that offer hard to believe, yet I’d be a fool if I turned You down, I always wished that someone like You existed, and now I see it’s true, too good to be true.  You love us anyway, that is true love, no one else would do that.  Lord please give me deeper understanding about this, In Jesus’ name.

10-30-86

“It is not easy to be forgiven, or forgiving. Once we accept God’s love for us we are challenged to let Him reshape our lives.  We have to face ours sins and allow Him to take them from us, and once that happens, we can never be the same again – because as we discover our real selves beneath all those layers of guilt, we will begin to change and move out in new directions.”

– Start Loving, the Miracle of Forgiving by Colleen Townsend Evans

Once we accept God’s love, which is when we accept the fact that we are sinners, and forgiven, the result will be change.  His unconditional love for us will change us, so we will never be the same again, because as He is lovingly forgiving us, (which we have to accept in order to be at peace with ourselves), we discover our real selves beneath all those layers of guilt. So I really can’t live without accepting His love, I must really believe and accept the fact that He really does love me; as rotten as I have treated Him, He still loves me.  How can I understand this?  Does He take our rejection personally?  Does He understand that we were just children (Adam and Eve) who were only “deceived” by another power and didn’t know what we were getting into, that by our mistakes, our wrongs, we come to know what is right? 

As I acknowledge my sin, and give it to the Father, I acknowledge that it does not affect our relationship. I am loved; He replaces my guilt with love, the kind of love that will change me, change me more and more into His likeness. As my old self is fading, His image in me is growing, and taking dominion over my flesh, as I realize it is finished.

(12)-86  Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers, giving me the faith to believe You will answer my requests according to Your will, and for knowing that You already know what I will ask, You know my needs before I even open my mouth. 

Thank You for helping me to realize my helplessness so that I may lean on You to be my shield and strength, for softening my heart so that I may see Your love for me, so that I may know and understand Your love and acceptance of me, that I may be healed, that I may truly trust in you, that I may be delivered from false ways and evil, that You may be the full strength of my being.  Thank You for taking away the veil from my eyes that is holding in any bitterness and misunderstanding about Your true love for me.  Thank you for peace.

86 Lord, I need Your advice and help, and guidance.  Am I lacking in faith?  Why do I have trouble concentrating and meditating and reading without some kind of worry or self-desire butting into the picture?  I am afraid to do anything.  Do you want me to use my talents?  Will you calm down my anxiety and increase my strength and attention on Your kingdom so I may know and believe You and serve You better?  Please help me to walk in Your footsteps, to see through Your eyes and may I have understanding and be fully receptive of Your abundant love and blessings.  May I learn to honor You Lord, and appreciate You more and have an eager attitude to know and love and serve You and others.  May they know also.  Thank You for Your mercy and loving kindness.  In  Jesus’ name.  Please don’t be a stranger to me anymore.

1-8-87  Why can’t I just be happy with my new life, the life I always dreamed and hoped for?  Why do I all of the sudden dwell on so many problems?  Why am I so negative about You?  My attitude is bad, I’m looking at You like “look at all of my weaknesses and failures, what are You going to do about them? It’s Your fault. It’s Your problem and responsibility to change me, I’m not good enough.” 

Why do I focus on my flaws, on what is incomplete rather than what You have already done?  Why can’t I just have a thankful heart?  When will I hear the truth and be set free, to take my eyes off of me and my efforts and rest in knowing that You are lord?  I should be happy.  Before You made Yourself know to me I was helpless and weak, and saw no hope of this world becoming a better place.  There were no good, honest, real role models to learn from, causing me to give in to my fleshly horrible desires.  But knowing You’re around now, there is hope for victory over the sinful ways of the world, and I shall be Your witness, in Jesus’ name.

5-26-87 What keeps you from believing you are forgiven by God?

What sin in your life makes you think it is too great for God to forgive?

What experience did you go through that you thought God had deserted you during that time of hardship, or worse yet, think that the hardship came about because you thought God was punishing you and rejecting you?

When will we know You Lord, for who You really are?  When will we believe that Your grace reigns above all else?  Where are Your witnesses that we may believe?

All this time I have been living in fear, a slave to evil (the devil), letting him abuse (mind manipulation) me because of my guilt.  Guilt I could not get rid of because I have yet to believe I am forgiven, and have yet to forgive myself, and overcome the shock of what I did, and understand why I did it.  The more Your grace and lovingkindness is revealed to me Lord, the less fearful I am of being honest with myself and admitting I was wrong and sinful.  I must accept this:  “In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you” (Is. 54:14)

6-8-87  I am very much aware of the rebellious state I am in that keeps me distant from You.  Rebellious in a sense that I have a false belief of You, and because of this I live in fear – fear that You won’t or don’t want to make an attempt to make Your truthful self known to me.  Or am I in such a state of unbelief in this because I wouldn’t accept Your love anyway?  That could only be because I don’t know You yet for who You really are.  So because of anxiety, I fret and struggle to do it myself, in my own effort, instead of trusting in You.

I have to believe that it is Your responsibility to make Yourself known to me and to keep me, because You choose me.

So what I’m really afraid of is that You don’t hear me or won’t help me because I have so much confusion and mean-ness and bitterness in me – that I want out, and only Your love can replace it, but I just don’t think You want to come near me.  But for Your name sake Lord, You will heal me and give me understanding and touch my heart and transform me into Your likeness, according to Your lovingkindness, and I will believe and begin again.  Amen.

7-14-87 My basic need is to want to be taught and encouraged of the reality of Christ living in me, how to let go of my ways and let Him live through me.  It happens naturally the more I know and understand the reality and practicality of His invisible kingdom.  Who will teach me this Lord?  Where can I go that will encourage me to see what You have done for me?  In Jesus’ name.

(7-14)-87  What I’ve done, the shame I’ve been through, I believe that there is no way that anyone could accept me or like me without being turned away from knowing my failures, shortcomings, weaknesses – anything about me personally.  Therefore, when I meet people, I instantly put up a wall, an invisible shield that keeps me personally (intimately) distant from them due to shame. (Or is it due to belief of unforgiven shame?)

The only thing that enables me to get anywhere near people is Jesus Christ, and the only distance I will allow them to get close to knowing me personally is my knowledge of Jesus, not myself as a sinner.  For the only thing worthy about me is the presence of Jesus, and I feel that knowledge of sin will turn them away.  That’s an attitude of pride and perfection that they won’t accept me as I am unless I’m perfect, which only Jesus is.

7-15-87  Lord, Thank you for being who You are, and revealing to me Yourself so that I may thank You and be grateful. 

I have been sin conscious, aware of my coming short of ever being good enough (although not perfect) to get near You, and I keep struggling and striving to look good in Your eyes mainly for reasons of fear of being in control by the enemy due to belief of being separated from You.  But I pray that my reasons be because of the lovely awesomeness of being drawn to You, to know You, to have a relationship with You.  I pray that You remove all false beliefs about You that would hinder me from Your truth, for Your name sake.

You have revealed to me that I, by myself, as I am, could never look good in Your eyes, could never see You face to face since You do not dwell with sin, and I am sinful; and that the only possible way to see You face to face is to believe in Jesus.  By Him I will be able to see You, through Him.  He is the only sinless one, therefore, the only one able to see You face to face, and He will do it for me, He is my enablement.

I am now sinless by faith.  Although I may still sin, it will never cause separation from You as long as my heart (intentions) are right, I do not deliberately sin.  Why would I want to intentionally separate myself from love and life and all that is good?  If I do Lord, it is because of disbelief of such a Holy one as You, that You could ever love me as much as You have proven Yourself and even gave up Your only Son to save us. 

I pray that You set me free from such disbelief, for Your name sake.  How can I deny the existence of Christ?  Please make me wise Lord, let me have discernment between feelings and faith, between Your kingdom and the world, for Your name sake, that I may know You, because You have chosen me and will give me the desires of my heart.  Make me wiling Lord, to be whole that I may be sure of myself in You and be confident and steadfast in You.

7-18-87  Repentance – I am to acknowledge my sin and be sorry for doing it and as a result, change.  Change my sinful life patterns and be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit of Jesus in order to overcome this sinful nature.  He is the only way, and that is something to be thankful for because my desire is to be good, yet I fell into hopelessness and despair of my inability to be as good and loving as I hoped for.  Thanks to the mercy, lovingkindness and grace of God this good new way of life is possible.  It can become my reality.

So I acknowledge a certain deep sin of mine and I break down from the horror of ever doing such a thing.  Yet what is my motive?  I am not to get upset that I should be ashamed for behaving in such a way when God did not expect any better from me since He was not Lord of my life – I had no power to stop myself, no reason to think otherwise.  So I am not to get upset with a wounded pride attitude, as if my fallen nature in and of itself could be Godly.  I was in need of being filled with the power of the Holy Spirit by becoming righteous in Christ.

Yet I still did what I did and it affected me deeply.  Am I supposed to forget about it like it never happened?  Your forgiveness is that great God, but in reality, this has deeply affected me.  How does that go away?  I can’t pretend I never did it, although I understand my innocence in Your eyes for doing it. I am forgiven but it still happened, the sin still exists although it is forgiven.  How do I carry on with life normally?  Do I really believe I am forgiven Lord?  Will this sin be “ever before me?” I am forgiven, so I no longer have to feel that I am condemned or that it keeps me separate from You, I am free in that respect.  Now for the total cleansing of being free from the effect, is this cleansing a question between feeling vs. faith?  Will You give me understanding about this Lord, for Your name sake, according to Your will.  Let me know You for who You are, in Jesus’ name.  Amen

8-8-87  Teaching the word – We all have our lists of weaknesses, yet what is it going to take to shake them off and become like Christ?  How can the one ministering take my eyes off myself and own efforts and reveal to me what Christ has done for me that will cause me to be set free (from self-consciousness)?  How did Jesus do it?  If I looked at all of my faults I could dwell on myself forever and get nowhere.  I want to change, I don’t want to be a slave to my hopeless fleshly nature.  I want to be taught how now, and thanks to the mercy of God, there is a way out!  That truth should make me full of joy, yet I don’t seem to be so enthused or excited about it.  Probably because I have yet to believe His love for me that leads to this repentance.  Then I will believe His desire to change me.

I don’t want someone reminding me of my weakness and how I need to come to God.  Tell me about His love for me and I will be drawn.  Tell me how thankful I can be because now I have a way of changing.  Tell me how Christ can make a difference in my live.  Let me understand what this new life is all about, encourage me to grow as a new creation in Jesus – Christ in me.  In Jesus’ name.

8-8-87 (2) It seems that all my life I have been aware that I was never meant to be in this world and it’s cheap values.  Yet, because I knew of no other alternative, I had no choice but to accept it, and soon enough I gave in to my struggles of holding on to my good values and gave in to the world’s in a rebellious, angry attitude, bitter in unbelief that if there was a God, He would have us to live that way.  But sure enough He saved me and revealed to me the glory and reality of the existence of His kingdom, and that another way of living is possible.  The way I have always longed for.  I have been ready to repent from a way of life I was never meant to live.  I have been awakened to this reality yet I am just now starting to enter in because slowly I have been learning of the motive behind it all – God’s love for us. So many people are ministering how we have fallen short of this, talking about the problem and what we have to do about it rather that the solution and what He has done, how He accepts us just as we are, knowing that it is impossible to change without Him.  Only He can change us, and love is His motive.  Without a revelation and understanding of His love it is impossible to face the reality of our sinful nature, the sinful nature we must admit we are part of and desire to rid ourselves of. Who wants to be a part of a God who condemns us?  Who creates fear in us?  He is love and He said that perfect love casts out fear, fear of punishment.  I am now starting to believe that He really did die for us.  He went that far to save us from where we don’t belong, from the horror of it all.  Sin is so dark and deep, I can’t stand to look at it and wish I didn’t have to face the reality of it.  I don’t know how you, Lord, can face it.  Yet as much as You despise it, You went as far as becoming one of us to show us a way out.  You walked among this Death Valley, You didn’t just acknowledge it from afar despising its existence.  You faced it, You had power to because you knew that Your love is greater than sin.

So because I was not getting the message of unconditional love, I have slowly been strangled by looking at myself.  I was full of joy at the reality of this new way of life only to have my heart broken by seeing that I was deceived, that God’s kingdom is not what it is.  But now He is revealing His truth to me and I am starting to believe again.  That because man was ministering to me by the way they perceive God rather than being broken to allow God enter in so that it is God ministering to me through them.

10-7-87 We are to step down from our throne and carry our cross, stepping down from living for ourselves and live for others, just like Jesus stepped down from His throne and carried His cross.

I still seem to be in such a state of anger and bitterness at the fact that Satan exists and how he had control over me and has so many others blinded and wrapped around his finger, yet how can I be angry at him since You are the one who allows him to be that way? 

So am I really angry at you, Lord?  Then, since you are love, how can I be angry at You knowing that all of Your plans are reconcilable, and work out for good?  Have I yet to believe that You forgive me?  Why haven’t I been hearing the message of grace and forgiveness?  Is it because You are hiding from us and won’t reveal it to us that we still walk in this blindness since only You can reveal it to us? Because if You did, why am I still bitter, what reason would I have to be so resentful? The only reason would be is that I would think that my sin is unforgivable, keeping me separate from You, so I have every reason for not being at peace if that were true. 

Why would I be in such a state of unbelief, or why would I refuse Your love and forgiveness if You have been revealing it to us, that You have enabled us to seek Your face?  Are you keeping Yourself from us or is it that we are not seeking You as deeply and desperately as I am because they have not fallen as deeply as I have to see their need for such divine forgiveness, or have they fallen as deep, but because of fear they don’t attempt to seek Your face, Your presence intimately?

Please give me discernment and wisdom and understanding about this Lord, and all others according to Your will, cause Your face to shine upon us and we shall be saved, deliver us from fear, in Jesus’ name, Amen

3-17-88 Revival starts with you.  The Lord has now opened my eyes to the spiritual world.  So what about it?  What difference has it made in my life?  What do I do with this reality vision?  I am tempted every day to doubt this invisible kingdom, to think of it as foolish.  But then how can I visibly define the origin of love?  How do I make it a practical thing?  By taking up my cross, denying myself (fallen nature) and letting His life transform me into His likeness. Yet I can’t do this until I understand and accept the means of how it was made possible to fellowship with God. 

If people seem rebellious, it’s not towards God but towards their false conception of God.  If they knew God for who he really is, they would think twice before having their desire to rebel.  Who is going to rebel against love?

As a Christian, we are to let the Holy Spirit guide us and teach us, which means we have to have understood why – because we have accepted the reality of the Holy Spirit, which means understanding and accepting how we have access to the Holy Spirit – believing what Jesus really went through for us.  Our hearts have to be softened in order to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

8-31-88   People’s relationship to God is a very personal thing. To face the reality of the existence of God is to face the reality that you are a deeply fallen sinner. To face the reality of the existence of Jesus is to face the reality that you are deeply forgiven, atonement has been made, you are reconciled back to God, you are now justified, He has bought you back through a priceless sacrifice, and it was an undeserved sacrifice. But God is love and we can’t change that. This is the issue people try so hard to avoid every day. They run from the Lord.  Why aren’t they drawn to Him? Who doesn’t want to know love?

I think “Christianity” has given Him a bad reputation. I think people have the wrong conception of who He really is and lack understanding of what He did for us and why.  Because of fear, they have yet to become “poor in the spirit” so that they would make Jesus the Lord of their life and not continue in their own flesh.  And if Christians are not ministering in the Spirit, they are doing it in the flesh, which means they are no help to anyone, they are not telling anyone anything new.  People need the Spirit of God to meet their needs of being in the vulnerable state of being “poor in the spirit.” If they don’t see His witnesses, they will harden their hearts and become miserable in their helpless sinful state until they see hope.  The weak people who need a witness will fall into despair.  Those who are stronger will be blessed and be able to seek the Lord for who He really is without witnesses.  It’s no wonder Christianity has become a big supermarket of “How- to’s.”  If we faced the Lord, we would know that it all just happens naturally.  There is no fear in love.     

12-88 Luke 13:23-24 “Then one said to Him, ‘Lord, are there few who are saved?’ And He said to them, ²⁴ ‘Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able.”

Who will want to enter this narrow gate, where you have to give up everything else, even hate everyone else, even their own life in comparison to Christ¹ (Lk. 14:26), unless they understand and believe the reality and severity of the purpose of Christ?  If they actually saw or experienced for a moment the reality of hell, then they would drop everything and cling to Christ.  But Christ choose a different way to persuade people of His kingdom, He did not preach reality of hell to attract them through fear, but preached by revealing the reality and ways of the kingdom of Heaven, to attract them through Holy fear. If you don’t have eyes to see and ears to hear this reality, you are still blinded by the world from the result of the fall (Matt. 13:10-16).  If we did understand, and still denied to follow Christ, how could we be so foolish?

“Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; ⁴³ for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God” (Jn. 12:42-42).

“For I have not spoken on My own authority; but the Father who sent Me gave Me a command, what I should say and what I should speak” (Jn. 12:49).

“If I have told you earthly things and you do not believe, how will you believe if I tell you heavenly things? ¹³ No one has ascended to heaven but He who came down from heaven, that is, the Son of Man who is in heaven” (Jn. 3:12).

“For this reason we also thank God without ceasing, because when you received the word of God which you heard from us, you welcomed it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which also effectively works in you who believe”(1 Thess. 2:13).

“But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; ²⁰ for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you” (Matt. 10:19-20).

“For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart” (Heb. 4:12).

“But all their works they do to be seen by men. They make their phylacteries broad and enlarge the borders of their garments” (Matt: 23:5).

1. This is about counting the cost of being His disciple, see: Question: “What did Jesus mean when He instructed us to hate our father and mother (Luke 14:26)?”

www.gotquestions.org/hate-father-mother.html

10-26-89  Lord, thank  you for reminding me lately that my life is dependent on Your works, not mine, that You will accomplish Your will for me, not me, that it is You who chose me, and made Yourself known to me, not I who figured You out by my power.

You called me, You picked me out, You have faith in me, You know me.  That is where my sense of self-worth and dignity lies, in that You chose me and You will carry Your will through.

“ I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philip. 1:6).

8-7-86  There’s so much beauty in your Word Lord, especially Psalm 19.  I wish I could always see through loving eyes when I read Your Word.

Lord, I am such a prisoner of my own mind so much lately; please help me to meditate on Your Word so my conscience will be clear.  Help me to lean on You, to seek You for counsel, and to trust I Your counsel, and to accept and understand Your counsel.  Make my desire Yours.  May my vision be clear.  May I know and understand my value, how You see me, how worthy I am to be Your servant.  Is it safe to say I am “worthy” of anything? 

Thank you for giving me the strength to persevere, for lifting my head when I am so down, for accepting reality, to understand how Your kingdom works here on earth, and to realize how powerless I am without You.  You are ever drawing all men to awaken to the love and truth that You have to offer.  We exist to give You the glory.  Please show me how and help me to understand how to glorify Your name in all I do, because otherwise, I’m giving someone else the glory if not You.

I’m only on this earth for a short while.  You choose me to be Your daughter.  You chose to use me as Your dwelling place.  You have not taken me to heaven yet so You must see some kind of special value in me that You can use me to reach others about Your truth.  Or am I still here because I am so far from knowing and understanding You, or is it just because You are going to use me for whatever You choose for however long, regardless of me, what do I know?  How can it depend on me?

While we are here on this earth, we are limited as far as humans can be.  In order to survive, we need each other, we need to communicate – dispel all imaginings.  I am needed by someone out there, either by my skills or by my words of comfort, wisdom etc…

1-30-87   Lord, I know I’m going to be free someday, free from fear, isolation, insecurity, but until then I just can’t seem to handle life. It would be a lot easier if I let go and let You handle it for me like I’m supposed to, but I still must not trust You. If I was sent to heaven now, my eternal home, I would instantly know You and trust You, all fear will have been shaken off.  But here on earth You have given me to experience life in my eternal home now, so why should I be afraid? Why am I so intimidated by other people when You are my strength?  Because again, I must not trust You.  I can’t live without trusting You Lord, why do I let the fear of those false teachings control me when I really know that is not Your true loving nature? 

I long to know Your love, but now I am afraid,  I feel so rejected, yet it must not be true, it can’t be, because You desire for us to walk in love, Jesus, You are so real and I have yet to witness Your love that I may witness the truth and be set free from fear. Will You fill me with faith and the desire to run to Your love and not run away from it? So I may trust in You and others?  For Your name sake.  A name I don’t even know.  Let me love You with all my heart, soul and mind, let Your love cast out all fear in me. Let me believe that You desire for us to know You love us, let us understand the love and freedom You have to offer us. Thank You.

7-28-86  What am I afraid of?  How can I be afraid of Your love, to accept Your offer of love that will bring me peace and all good things of my heart’s desire?  Who am I listening to?  Myself?  Saying I am not worthy to receive Your love?  That would be a shame because then I could never be Your witness if I don’t receive Your love.  I am forgiven.  Love is not a feeling, it’s accepting the fact of Calvary. Thank you Lord, for everything.  I love You and will love You even more. I will know and  trust in You, I will no longer be afraid, I will truly know and believe that it is You and only You who is on the throne, the one and only mighty God, and I will  then be sound, safe and totally secure in Your presence.  I will understand You and myself, and I will be perfected in Your perfect love that will cast away all my fears.  Jesus, You are the Truth.