A note of caution:  If you are not familiar with the true nature of God, that He is love, or are a new Christian and have not come to face the reality of the moral consequences from your abortion, and therefore may be in a state of denial due to fear based on having a false conception of God, you may find this testimony to be too hard for you to take right now.  I would recommend you firsts seek counseling which you can most likely find at any pregnancy center, and let them walk you through the forgiveness of God and to accept responsibility for what you have done.

Abortion Testimony

“Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” – Ecclesiastes 7:20

How did I ever find myself in a situation where something so wrong seemed so right?

I came to a point in my life where I gave up waiting on God to meet my needs as I expected Him to, according to my limited understanding of Him, and this lowered my moral standards. I decided to date a guy I knew was wrong for me, all the while hoping he would change for the better.  It wasn’t long into our relationship that I  became pregnant from the one time we did not use contraception. He had no interest in getting married and raising a child, so our relationship ended, and I found myself making one of the most life changing decisions that I would ever have to make: should I have an abortion?

I wanted to keep this decision to myself, it was my responsibility, I didn’t want to trouble anyone else with my burden.  I felt vulnerable and afraid, trying to justify my conscience with excuses to go ahead with it, turning a blind eye to God’s caring attempt to reach out for me to do the right thing.¹ I sensed Him speaking through my gynecologist when I asked him if I should get an abortion.  He replied “if you were my daughter, no.” God even showed me that a life was growing inside of me and not merely a bunch of cells by showing me a birds’ egg that had fallen from its nest and had broken on the ground, exposing the developing bird inside.  I was not ignorant of fetal development; I even have pictures of me when I was 5 years old looking through my mother’s health book being fascinated with diagrams of a fetus inside the womb at different stages of development.  But because I was feeling so vulnerable and emotional at the time, I just wanted to convince myself of the false belief that a fetus that was less than two months old couldn’t feel anything and had not yet developed any recognizable form.

My pride, fear of responsibility, insecurity, selfishness and shame of what others would think of me prevented me from trusting in God.  I had the audacity to think that He understood my reasoning and forgave me even before my abortion, that it was okay with Him and He understood.  It wasn’t until it was a second too late to change my mind, when the abortion procedure began, that I realized that I was terribly wrong.

He did understand but it was not okay with Him.  Right away I knew what I did was wrong and I was filled with conviction and overwhelmed with regret. 

During the abortion procedure I immediately (in my mind, not verbally) vehemently cursed repeatedly the father of this baby and the day I met him.  That really took me by surprise because up until then I wasn’t blaming anyone but myself, for I knew better than to get involved with him in the first place. It was at this moment I realized that I wasn’t the saint I thought I was. My true emotions exposed that I was harboring hidden blame and hatred toward the father for coming into my life and towards myself for displeasing God by ending the life of my innocent child.

After the procedure I went into hyperventilation.  The nurse and doctor seemed puzzled and asked me what was wrong as if I merely had a tooth pulled.  I couldn’t believe their insensitivity. I instinctively knew I had just ended the life of one of God’s greatest miracles. My heart was shattered; I was in a state of shock that I actually did such a thing.  It saddened me deeply that I broke the heart of my heavenly Father.

 Although I knew God forgave me at that time, circumstances happened that led me in a false belief that God had utterly forsaken me (when I felt He denied me a relationship I thought was right for me and by observing the pro-life protests at the time that left me feeling convicted and condemned). I reacted with fear by going into self-denial, which resulted in spending the next few years being subject to mental delusion. This self-punishment became unbearable, and by what little faith I had left I knew this torment could not be God’s will for me. I finally cried out to God for help.  Because He truly is a God of mercy and grace, over time He managed to love me back to reality.  I was able to accept responsibility for my sin and come out of denial through the healing power of His forgiveness.

I learned the hard way, at the expense of my child’s life, that our fallen nature is doomed to fail us, no matter how hard we try, no matter how good we think we are.  Understanding the difference between my fallen nature (the sinful nature we all have inherited from Adam when he disobeyed God in Eden, known as the “Original Sin) and born-again nature that enables us to see and have understanding through God’s ways by the power of the Holy Spirit has enabled me to humble myself and face the music of an “amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, who saved a wretch like me.” 

Through this experience I was able to see and admit I was a sinner, that God loves me unconditionally and forgives me, and that He was not who I thought He was but who He says He is.

Footnote: 1. I do believe that had I been aware of the pregnancy centers that offer so much caring supportive help in every way for women who are in this same situation, I would have chosen not to have an abortion.  I was a prisoner to my own isolated thoughts and fears of the circumstance I was in.  The practical love and care of others who wanted to help would have eased my mind and set me free from that.