“For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.”  – Psalm 86:5 

In the early 80’s I had an abortion, an experience that left me having feelings of great sorrow, regret, and guilt before God. Although this affected me deeply, I soon became misled to believe that God had forsaken me.  This caused in me a fear that was so dreadful that it sent me into shock, to being traumatized similar to having PTSD. It is my desire to share this experience in hope that others who may have had a similar effect from whatever “sin” they have committed would find everlasting peace as they seek to learn the true knowledge of God.

My post-abortion experience caused me to be real with God. I became filled with great anger, and I wasn’t afraid to express it to God.  Being in denial, pretending I was not angry would have caused me more harm than good.  God does not want us to be phony and fake.  He wants to have a genuine realistic relationship with us, fully open and real honest. I was too emotionally disturbed to pretend otherwise, for deep down inside I was troubled and needed to know why God created us with the capability to partake of evil, ungodly acts of sin that would cause so much damage to our soul. I learned that my anger was misguided toward God by my ignorance about Him and the reality of Satan.  But then I became angry at Him for allowing Satan’s existence, which was also due to ignorance. I was able to resolve my anger when I learned the God-given value of having free-will.

In my healing process, I had to forgive myself and forgive God. I knew God was love but deep down I couldn’t help but be angry towards Him for allowing me to go through this.  Until I learned the truth about reality and His ways, I would remain in conflict of this love/hate relationship with God.

My experience caused me to accept reality, the reality of the spiritual realm of God and Satan; and the reality that I am a sinner capable of the most despicable and heinous of crimes.

It caused me to accept responsibility and accountability for my sins which I was able to do after I believed that He truly loved me in spite of my sins.

It caused me to take action, to stand up and fight for my right to be a child of God, to fight through the lies of thinking I am not worthy of His atoning love, and fight through the fear of accepting and believing the enormous unconditional love He has for me.

My initial motive to know the truth was out of desperation to escape from the hellish experience I was going through in my mind that I believe was a result from being in denial of my sin and shame.  When I was being deceived by a false belief that God had forsaken me, this caused a great fear in me, prompting a mental and emotional state of denial. What enabled me to lay my sin and shame at the Lord’s  feet, setting me free, was coming to know with all of my heart that God was who I always thought He was deep in my spirit, a God of love, mercy, grace and forgiveness.

This is my story; my experience of what life is like under the curse of having a sinful human nature as a result of the original fall of man in Eden and how God has given me a chance to live in a loving relationship of submission and obedience to Him as Creator and Lord as we were meant to be.

A note before you read my abortion testimony – it is very important that you first know the love of God so that you can safely come to terms with facing the truth.  If you have any sense of guilt from your abortion then that is a good sign that the love of God is drawing you to realize your need for healing and His forgiveness.  Guilt is a natural and legitimate response to having an abortion.  The Lord will bring conviction of sin to our hearts, but He will never condemn those who accept the forgiveness of Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  It is the kindness of God that leads us to acknowledge our sinful ways and turn from them, and it is His desire that all should be saved and come to the knowledge of truth (1 Timothy 2:4).  This applies to all sins that would plague us with guilt.

When reading through my testimony, keep in mind that it is one testimony broken down into four parts.  The first one, “My Testimony,” is an overall brief description.  The following three parts go over the first one, covering the same time frame, only in more detail according to their titles.