My Healing Process
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight; everything is uncovered and exposed before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.” -Hebrews 4:13
My paranoia did a big turn-around when I finally ran out of reasons for why and how people could read my mind. I just couldn’t take it any longer and I finally was able to break down and cry in desperate mercy for God to help me. That was huge because when you think people can read your mind you don’t let your true self be known in any way, shape or form so to protect yourself from being judged or misunderstood. I just couldn’t pretend any more.
At this point I couldn’t handle being around people any longer, there was no point to it if they could read my mind, causing me not to function naturally. I was fortunate to be able to go on a week vacation with my family at the beach. Getting away from familiar surroundings helped me immensely. There was no T.V. or radio, so I wasn’t being taunted through those sources (they became sources of indirect communication for whoever this elusive mystery person was, who for some reason couldn’t contact me in person. This is all I could reason at the time until the Lord was able to show me the reality of the devil), and I wasn’t doing drugs, which contributes greatly to paranoia (I was a waitress at a bar at the time and cocaine was usually offered for free after work). When I saw what a difference this made, I quit my job so I wouldn’t be around drugs, turned off the T.V., started listening to Christian music and then found my way to a non-denominational church. I spent a lot of time studying the Bible and praying. I started a journal so I could clear my mind and be specific with God. He happens to be the world’s greatest psychiatrist. I was eating a lot of comfort food, sweet stuff, and so I cut back greatly of my refined sugar intake and started eating healthier foods (I had read that eating excessive sugar can contribute to mental illness).
The church I was going to turned out to be a great hindrance to my healing process. It started out in grace and somehow ended in condemnation. I was dealing with rejection from my abortion to begin with, but then was hopeful of being restored after the Lord revealed Himself to me, only to have that quenched by a church that taught me about an angry God. Thankfully the Holy Spirit’s presence in me kept encouraging me to pursue the God of love I’ve always wanted to know through journaling. This enabled me to spill all of my thoughts and emotions out in the open, making it better to discern the truth, and it also provided a way for God to minister encouragement to me as well.
Part of my healing process came from receiving post-abortion counseling at a Christian pregnancy center. I learned of the grief stages from abortion, how denial is normal in this process yet I felt that my denial was not only from the abortion itself but rejection from God.1 I needed to own up to my sin which I did as I gradually became convinced of His love for me. Here is a quote from the workbook we used:
“Although there are some women who have no regrets from choosing to have an abortion, it’s not uncommon for others to experience guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness or grief afterwards, something they never were expecting. They may have an initial feeling of relief, but when that eventually wears off they may go through a process of grieving which usually involves going through the stages of denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. Denial is the refusal to believe that abortion ended her unborn baby’s life. It’s a defense mechanism needed in order to cope with the reality of her decision, that she played a part in her child’s death. An example of thinking in denial would be ‘It really wasn’t a baby at that stage, it was just a blob of tissue.’” – Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane
Eventually I gained enough confidence to start working again. My paranoia had decreased from 100% to 10%. What remained was mostly from the habit of being overly self-conscious. It amazes me to see how overcoming rejection from God was a significant step in my healing process.
Finally the Lord opened a door for me to get away and take a discipleship training and Bible course with an organization called Youth With A Mission.2 I felt that the only way that I could stop the torment of the devil’s accusations was to read through the entire Bible and see for myself that it said nowhere that God forgives everyone but me. I could not be completely free from the devil’s stronghold until I was positive that the Lord completely forgave me. Having a proper understanding of the Bible would enable me to have a sense of security. The devil would no longer be able to take advantage of my ignorance. I would be less vulnerable to his lies by twisting the true meaning of Scripture in order to make me doubt God’s unconditional love for me.
Being away in a Christian atmosphere did wonders for me. Unfortunately, I still had a long struggle ahead of me once I returned back home with finding the right church at first. The people were very nice and there were plenty of outreach opportunities, but I was still freshly vulnerable and sensitive to the spiritual realm, in much need of hearing teachings about what life is like being filled with the Spirit of God. Surely it’s not supposed to be the same as it was before one becomes born-again, it is not to be an improvement of the “old self,” but the working out of the perfect presence of God in me in the Person of His Holy Spirit. I felt that many Christians were performing their church duties out of the joy of their salvation, but I sensed that it was done in their own effort, which is basically a dead church, rather than being fully alive and life giving by acknowledging that it is through the power of the Holy Spirit that we live and are used by Him to be a bright and shining light to this dark world.
Once I became born-again other significant breakthroughs occurred that set me free from being a prisoner of my mind. I heard from a woman giving her testimony say that “All of your thoughts are not your own,” which made me think about the mental manipulation going on in my mind. What she said made me realize that it was spiritual, that it was from the devil and not caused by another person who in some mysterious way had access to my thoughts. Someone else explained to me that Satan cannot read a person’s mind. He can put the same thought into the minds of two different people, but he cannot know what an individual is thinking. These revelations were the key to my freedom by realizing that this was a spiritual battle happening in my mind all along.
The outcome of my paranoia experience and spiritual awakening left me facing another battle to overcome, a battle in my heart toward my ability to trust in God. I had become accustomed to being conscientious of thinking that people and then the devil could know what I was thinking 24/7. Now that the veil was lifted so that I was aware of the reality of the spiritual realm, I couldn’t deny that there was One whom actually did know my thoughts 24/7, and that was God. Initially this was not a pleasant experience because I had just come out of a battle where the devil appeared to be greater than God. I needed to be assured of the forgiving, loving nature of God and work out some of the deep emotional issues I was having from this experience. My wounded soul was in need of healing so that I could have closure and have peace with God. Some of the questions I had on my heat were: Where was God through all of this? Why did He allow me to go through such a dark and fearful experience? Did He abandon me? I was able to work out many of my issues through journaling. Having a keen awareness of God knowing my thoughts caused me to realize that there is nothing hidden from His sight, so I thought “I might as well be real honest with God.” This was very helpful in exposing all the lies of the enemy and for God to minister to me the truth of His unconditional love.
The Lord has done a mighty work in my mind and in my heart, but my troubles are not yet over. Although I have an inner joy and peace that no one can take away from me now, I have come to learn that to be a Christian means that I will have continuous struggle until He returns to fully redeem us and the earth. The Christian life comes with the expectation of being in various trials and being persecuted, only now it is not about being the victim, but it is knowing we are already victorious, because we have come to know that the battle is the Lord’s and He has and will conquer all of our enemies, and will one day bring all people before His judgment throne, and bring justice to those who have been redeemed. Our suffering as Christians is a redemptive suffering. We are willing to suffer for the joy that it gives us knowing that it brings glory to God, for we know that there is nothing to fear, for we have been redeemed and we know that by His blood He has conquered our worst enemy, death.
Opposition and temptations are also expected, and many times I have failed in these areas, but His unconditional love is always motivating me, and by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit I pick myself up and continue in the pursuit of holiness. Here is a quote by Greg Paul about redemptive suffering that I hold near to my heart:
“He will perfect me, too, through this suffering, my suffering, my brokenness, will ultimately be much more than merely a series of painful experiences and personal failings to be survived; by the alchemy of grace, God will transmute it all into something of eternal value and beauty.
Suffering without meaning is the path to despair. Suffering with meaning is the trail to glory. And Jesus is the pioneer on that trail. There’s no place we can go that He hasn’t been already.”3
My biggest challenge that I faced during my healing process was learning to trust that God had not abandoned me even though He allowed me to go through that hellish experience. How did I learn to trust God? By learning this Scriptural truth that “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). I had to accept responsibility for my sin, which was possible once I understood the truth that God loves me unconditionally. The hellish reality that I experienced was only temporary. My eyes were opened to the reality of the spiritual side of things, and that there is a hellish experience that is eternal. The Lord was waking me up, and a rude awakening it was, to choose eternal life, the blessing of God which is provided through faith in His Son Jesus Christ.
“They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love” -Psalm 107:13-15
Footnotes:
1. I thought God had forsaken me. I reasoned that if that was true then I would be subject to His punishment and wrath, and so subconsciously I thought self-denial was my only self-defense. After learning about our inherent sinful nature as a result of the original sin, I realized I was doomed to spend eternity forsaken by God even before I had my abortion. I learned about the details of our fallen nature, how it has separated us from God, how the world is temporarily ruled by Satan, and that the effect he has on our lives now will one day be permanently put away from us forever. The hardest part of my learning process was accepting why God would allow us to experience evil and wickedness, not just from Satan and demonic activity, but from the potential to be that way ourselves.
God created us with having a fee-will, which gives us the opportunity to rebel against Him as our Creator. Satan was successful in using the serpent in the Garden of Eden to tempt the first couple to sin in rebellion toward God. This caused the rest of mankind to be born into this sinful nature. This sin resulted in death like God said it would, and made us subject to His punishment of judgment and wrath. Because God is all-knowing and merciful, He provided a way for us to escape His wrath if we desired to turn from being rebellious towards Him and be restored to having a submissive, unified, loving relationship with Him as it was always meant to be. His Son Jesus was prepared to be the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world before the foundation of the world was even made. God displayed His unconditional love for us when He sent His Son to die in our place, taking upon Himself the punishment of wrath and the consequence of death that we deserved. If we believe and accept this free-gift of salvation from God, then we can be free from the fear of punishment and death. Think of how humble before God this would make us, filling us with gratitude, as opposed to having rebellious pride that instigated the original sin.
Once I was able to come to terms with the truth about our nature, of how God made us with the potential to sin, and why; and how making the wrong decision to sin would provide Him with the opportunity for us to experience a deeper understanding and appreciation of His unconditional love; and that He is an all-powerful God, worthy of all glory, honor, and praise; I was then able to face my sin nature, and specifically my sin of having an abortion, and mourn properly for ending the life of my unborn child in such a tragic way.
2. Youth With A Mission (YWAM) is located throughout the world. The Discipleship Training School (DTS) is a prerequisite to taking any other course, so I was required to take it. Because of the mental state I was in at the time I would have preferred to skip it and gone straight to The School of Biblical Studies course, but I was glad I did attend it. It helped me be part of a trusting community and I was able to receive many prayers, as well as learn the basic foundations of becoming a new Christian. The SBS course is an inductive bible study and requires a lot of effort, you have to really like to study. If you have gone through mental manipulation in a similar way as I have you may not be ready for the social atmosphere of a DTS course, or have the energy for the SBS course. It is very helpful to get away (I went to England for DTS and New Zealand for SBS) but I am sure there are other provisions for you out there. The Lord knows exactly what you need, ask Him for direction and He will surely show you the way in His perfect timing.
3. God In the Alley by Greg Paul, pg. 112